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Shocking HEFCE go autistic, Solent are atrocious!

20/03/2010

Institutional funding allocations polarised and idiotic

Today’s release of institutional HEFCE funding is guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of every academic in the country. Whether these are tears of joy or despair is likely bear very little relation to an institution’s reputation for research and teaching excellence. With swingeing cuts across the sector, amounting to a 1% funding decrease in real terms, the real tale is often told when the institutional divvy-up is completed.

There will undoubtedly by copious ‘poo being quaffed (as opposed to being produced through defecatory teaching and research regimes) by the management of Southampton Solent ‘University’, the ‘University’ of Chichester and Harper Adams College – world-leading bastions in the fields of maritime business , adventure facilitation and food studies respectively. We at Slaka are delighted to report that the VC of one institution, in a somewhat sozzled state noted, “We are delighted by the outcome. Our strategy of ploughing 600 hundred Chinese students through our 18 month BA in Social Housing has paid tremendous dividends”.

Moribund tales abound from the Russell Group, where several VCs and Principles were contemplating giving up successful careers in Cancer Research, Particle Physics and History, apropos of coping with austerity measures. One prominent Chemist noted, “I have had enough. I have spent my life creating novel synthetic petroleum compounds that could revolutionise global manufacturing, and now I am contemplating taking a part-time course in extreme sports management to increase my job security”. Surely proof of the pride Gordon Brown demonstrated when discussing the UK’s highly flexible job market as an asset earlier this week.

A final nod must go the noble and austere VC of London Business School, who after leading the salary league tables released late last week, must be delighted to be at the helm of an institution that has had it’s funding slashed by over 10%. Poo all round!

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