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Encylopaedia of Modern Academia: U

Ugg (noun):

a). type of Antipodean boot or shoe associated with undergraduates, b). Type of undergraduate usually associated with Antipodean boot or shoe.

Defining taxonomic features:

  1. Large and unkempt hair
  2. Presence of the inappropriately cut skinny jean, designed to demonstrate either the utter lack of a bottom, or the sheer enormity of it
  3. Real or fake Jack Wills clothing
  4. Bizarre attempts to appear intellectual whilst possessing the common sense of a concussed duckling
  5. Ability to gain an A in A-Level English pleasingly juxtaposed with inability to construct a 1,500 word essay with reasonable clarity.
  6. Being shocked when they turn up at the door, you are busy, and you ask them politely to, “fuck off back to Wiltshire”.
  7. Thinking that academics have 14 week holidays (Christ we don’t all work at UCLAN)
  8. Feigned metro-sexuality. Just because you are borderline anorexic, possess a beard and a thin tie does not make you sensitive or understanding. It makes you a complete penis of the first order.
  9. Bursting into tears because they got 58% in an exam meaning they only achieved 68% overall. (They’ll be OK though as daddy will buy the Department a minibus to obviate offspring’s ineptitude).
  10. Failing to understand that doing a dissertation in Malaysia is not workable if a). they have no money, b). They have not got a chance in hell of getting the data, d). No peat corers can be carried in flights as they resemble Exocet missiles, e). They cannot speak the language and f). only have 6 days to collect an EPSRC grant’s worth of data.
  11. Being called Tristram, Samantha, Francesca or Dominic

(Balls, that is 11….)

Post-graduates can usually be defined by the following:

  1. Recently awakened but practically contradictory political beliefs (presence on various anti-globalisation marches coupled with surreptitious Starbucks consumption).
  2. Addition of beret and thick spectacles to fashion ensemble with optional bead necklace (again unisex)
  3. A nervous twitch.
  4. Utter lack of realisation that beginning a PhD in human-cow social relations will not land them a job working for Price Waterhouse Coopers or the Labour Party.
  5. Realisation that a PhD in human-cow social relations will not land them a job working for Price Waterhouse Coopers or the Labour Party.
  6. Nervous breakdown.
  7. Get job as market researcher or an RA at a dubious right wing quango looking at ‘immigration solutions’ for UKIP.
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